his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
