my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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