I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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