On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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