I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
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I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
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Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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