I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
