she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
