dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
