3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
