Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
