Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
