i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
