Your dad touched me again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
