So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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