Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
