It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
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