you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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