it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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