lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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