when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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