You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
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WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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