she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize