I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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