Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
