hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
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So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
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were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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