you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
