Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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