that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
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