Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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