YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
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I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
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i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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