North Korea, Best Korea!
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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