I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
