You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
