: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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