I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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