Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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