i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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