I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
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Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
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Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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