I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
