I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
