Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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