I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
