I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
