Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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