he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
