i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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