Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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