Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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