it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
