I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
