apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
