I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
