Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
