my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
